The Emoji Movie

The Emoji Movie is the first silent film to receive a major release in North America since the The Artist (2011). But even The Artist had a rich and varied musical score to accompany its images, and the silent films from the Classical Hollywood era often included live musical accompaniment by a pianist, organist, or even an entire orchestra.

Not so with The Emoji Movie, which is entirely 100% silent for every frame of its ninety-one minutes. The images of living, breathing emojis going about their highly eventful lives is truly captivating in the absence of  any sound. The movie truly is an “adventure beyond words.”

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An adventure beyond words that’s also in B&W.

I found it an eery experience, sitting in a dark theater with an audience of other emoji fans, stricken with silence until cascades of baleful laughter or scattered gasps would shudder across our bodies in response to the antics of Smiley, Winky, Poop, Ice Cream, Meh, Devil and the other characters who people this animated opus by the director of Kung Fu Panda: Secrets of the Masters.

Soon it seemed as if the faces of the audience around me were just as much a part of the film as the emojis themselves. Next to me, a lady cried, and I thought to myself: “This person represents how I’m feeling perfectly, if only her skin were yellow and her features more generic, I might use her appearance to represent my emotional state on the SMS messaging format.”

When I looked behind me I saw a boy whose face colored with embarrassment as Poop shrieked up on the big screen, and in that moment that I was that boy, feeling uncomfortable and unsettled, and that boy was me, and the faces encircled us so that the boundaries between screen and reality disappeared.

We became a series of circles, ideograms – shapes of all sorts. Upon seeing ourselves as shapes, we shuddered, felt our skin crawl, experienced panic attacks, sweated, palpitated, and felt nauseated or itchy. The shapes appeared to be full of holes, and some said the holes seemed “disgusting and gross” or that “something might be living inside those holes.”

As the holes secreted fluids which solidified into crusts, the silence became infinite and total. New layers of rot appeared, but the quiet cleansed away the filth until we could breathe once again, each of us an icon upturned to the sun.

TL;DR – Artificial intelligence will soon replace us all with emojis and other ideograms. You best prepare yourself, fool.

What the rest of the critics are saying:

“Hear that? It’s the end of the world.” – Johnny Oleksinski, New York Post

“I don’t think I can say anything funny about this movie, because it makes me want to die.” – Lizzie Plaugic, The Verge

“I had no intention of seeing The Emoji Movie — we all have our limits — but David insisted we attend the screening.” – Buzanne Witherford Weathers, Salon.com

“Lacks humor, wit, ideas, visual style, compelling performances, a point of view or any other distinguishing characteristic that would make it anything but a complete waste of your time.” – Alonso Duralde, TheWrap

“A demonstration of artistic abdication at its most venal.” – Shigit Naffelow, Hollywood Reporter

“It is one of the darkest, most dismaying films I have ever seen.” – Emily Yoshida, Vulture

The Emoji Movie is almost as bad and brutally depressing as everything else in 2017.” – David Ehrlich, indieWIRE

“Disregard that PG rating and keep your children far away from director Tony Leondis’ vile animated faux-comedy. Beneath its trippy surface lurks an insidious philosophy hazardous to impressionable minds.” – Tomris Laffly, Time Out

“It’s hideous!” – Jeremy Lucido, Starfucker Magazine

The Emoji Movie is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever seen. At no point in this rambling, incoherent disaster do the filmmakers even come close to expressing anything that could be considered artful or worthwhile. Everyone on this planet is now dumber just by virtue of this movie existing. I award it zero stars, and may God have mercy on us all.” – Nathaneal However, Guernica Magazine

“It was worse than The Angry Birds Movie!” – Eric D. Snider, EricDSnider.com

Melonmeter® Score:

50% liquid & seed retention – galia melonA SORT OF GALIA MELON, OR THE EAST ASIAN SARDA, CLAIMED TO CAUSE ANXIETY AND EVEN BIOLOGICAL REVULSION IN SOME PEOPLE

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