The Emoji Movie

The Emoji Movie is the first silent film to receive a major release in North America since the The Artist (2011). But even The Artist had a rich and varied musical score to accompany its images, and the silent films from the Classical Hollywood era often included live musical accompaniment by a pianist, organist, or even an entire orchestra.

Not so with The Emoji Movie, which is entirely 100% silent for every frame of its ninety-one minutes. The images of living, breathing emojis going about their highly eventful lives is truly captivating in the absence of  any sound. The movie truly is an “adventure beyond words.”


An adventure beyond words that’s also in B&W.

I found it an eery experience, sitting in a dark theater with an audience of other emoji fans, stricken with silence until cascades of baleful laughter or scattered gasps would shudder across our bodies in response to the antics of Smiley, Winky, Poop, Ice Cream, Meh, Devil and the other characters who people this animated opus by the director of Kung Fu Panda: Secrets of the Masters.

Soon it seemed as if the faces of the audience around me were just as much a part of the film as the emojis themselves. Next to me, a lady cried, and I thought to myself: “This person represents how I’m feeling perfectly, if only her skin were yellow and her features more generic, I might use her appearance to represent my emotional state on the SMS messaging format.”

When I looked behind me I saw a boy whose face colored with embarrassment as Poop shrieked up on the big screen, and in that moment that I was that boy, feeling uncomfortable and unsettled, and that boy was me, and the faces encircled us so that the boundaries between screen and reality disappeared.

We became a series of circles, ideograms – shapes of all sorts. Upon seeing ourselves as shapes, we shuddered, felt our skin crawl, experienced panic attacks, sweated, palpitated, and felt nauseated or itchy. The shapes appeared to be full of holes, and some said the holes seemed “disgusting and gross” or that “something might be living inside those holes.”

As the holes secreted fluids which solidified into crusts, the silence became infinite and total. New layers of rot appeared, but the quiet cleansed away the filth until we could breathe once again, each of us an icon upturned to the sun.

TL;DR – Artificial intelligence will soon replace us all with emojis and other ideograms. You best prepare yourself, fool.

What the rest of the critics are saying:

“Hear that? It’s the end of the world.” – Johnny Oleksinski, New York Post

“I don’t think I can say anything funny about this movie, because it makes me want to die.” – Lizzie Plaugic, The Verge

“I had no intention of seeing The Emoji Movie — we all have our limits — but David insisted we attend the screening.” – Buzanne Witherford Weathers,

“Lacks humor, wit, ideas, visual style, compelling performances, a point of view or any other distinguishing characteristic that would make it anything but a complete waste of your time.” – Alonso Duralde, TheWrap

“A demonstration of artistic abdication at its most venal.” – Shigit Naffelow, Hollywood Reporter

“It is one of the darkest, most dismaying films I have ever seen.” – Emily Yoshida, Vulture

The Emoji Movie is almost as bad and brutally depressing as everything else in 2017.” – David Ehrlich, indieWIRE

“Disregard that PG rating and keep your children far away from director Tony Leondis’ vile animated faux-comedy. Beneath its trippy surface lurks an insidious philosophy hazardous to impressionable minds.” – Tomris Laffly, Time Out

“It’s hideous!” – Jeremy Lucido, Starfucker Magazine

The Emoji Movie is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever seen. At no point in this rambling, incoherent disaster do the filmmakers even come close to expressing anything that could be considered artful or worthwhile. Everyone on this planet is now dumber just by virtue of this movie existing. I award it zero stars, and may God have mercy on us all.” – Nathaneal However, Guernica Magazine

“It was worse than The Angry Birds Movie!” – Eric D. Snider,

Melonmeter® Score:



I’ll be the first to say it: Dunkirk! is the most heartwarming family film of the decade. And if you have a love of animals, or an interest in man’s unique relationship with dogs, you absolutely have to see this film.

Dunkirk! follows the story of old Uncle Shuckburgh (Michael Caine) who has a close relationship with Dunkirk, his golden retriever.


Dunkirk, the titular pup from the major motion picture Dunkirk!

Shuckburgh’s brother died on the beaches of Dunkirk in World War II, and Uncle Shuckburgh has named every dog he’s owned over the years after that fateful historical event. It’s one of his many English eccentricities.

The movie flashes back to the late 1930s to see Shuckburgh and his brother growing up together in prewar England. Through these scenes I got a sense of the two brothers strong sibling bond as well as their passionate love for dogs and accompanying red hot hatred of cats.

Back in the present day, Uncle Shuckburgh begins to find he’s having more and more trouble remembering things. He’s less up to completing simple tasks, like picking up his dog’s doo doo with a plastic bag on their afternoon excursions. He tries to play off these little incidents like it’s nothing, but his kids (Anne Hathaway and Christian Bale) can’t help but notice, and insist that he see a doctor.


Uncle Shuckburgh (Michael Caine) completely at a loss as he tries to remember where he is.

In the moments preceding Uncle Shuckburgh’s appointment with the doctor, we get a few brief glimpses of what happened to the old man’s brother in the war. The trailers for the movie are entirely composed of these momentary flashbacks, leading some to mistakenly believe Dunkirk! is a war film. But as I watched this sequence, I realized Uncle Shuckburgh had fantasized visions of what he was told happened to his brother.


Flashback scene showing Shuckburgh’s older brother. (He’s the one whose entire face is visible.)

After the examination, the good-humored Dr. Robinson (Cillian Murphy) delivers the family some bad news. Uncle Shuckburgh has a rapidly advancing case of dementia. The rest of the film deals with the fallout of this diagnosis, focused mainly on Uncle Shuckburgh’s struggle to keep custody of Dunkirk against the gentle reprimands of his family and eventually the legal demands of animal services.

In the end, Uncle Shuckburgh befriends a young man (Joseph Gordon Levitt) whose love of dogs and manner of speaking remind Shuckburgh of his long deceased brother. The two begin an intimate relationship, and as Shuckburgh drifts off into the depths of insanity, he finds final comfort in knowing that someone he trusts will be taking care of Dunkirk after he’s gone.

It’s a simple tale, but it’s expertly crafted by the most acclaimed filmmaker of our generation: Christopher Nolan. Having already tried his hand at sci-fi (Interstellar), sci-fi action (Inception), superhero action (The Dark Knight trilogy), period piece (The Prestige), mystery (Memento), and mindbending cerebral drama with a strong female lead (Insomnia), it was inevitable that Nolan would next turn his attention to the most timeless genre of all: the animal-driven family film.

Nolan’s signatures are present in nearly every frame of the movie, from the non-linear structure (the film jumps back and forth between multiple timelines) to his use of light and darkness and the contrast between the two to show Uncle Shuckburgh’s decay and Dunkirk’s growth and maturation, sometimes all within one scene.

Plus, Nolan films his lead beautifully. Dunkirk is a gorgeous specimen of a dog, and we get to see him the way he was meant to be viewed: in the enormous 70mm cinema format.

Nolan’s characteristic use of rich colors (such as in the golden Dunkirk’s lustrous yellow brown fur) and deep shadows (cast across the Dunkirk’s fur) are juxtaposed with big, epic landscapes. This is especially true during the sequence when Shuckburgh gets lost with Dunkirk on one of their wanders. Thankfully Dunkirk keeps his composure even as his owner becomes increasingly demented and confused.


Dunkirk maintaining his composure while out on a wander.

Another Nolan trademark stood out in the many shots in which he places the camera behind Dunkirk. This allows those of us in the audience to “see” from the dog’s perspective.

Thankfully, Nolan does not chicken out and rely on fake computer generated effects to animate Dunkirk or anything else in the movie. I can assure you, having seen it with my own two eyes, Dunkirk! uses strictly practical effects to achieve its undeniable magic.

TL;DR – Dunkirk! is an emotionally satisfying film for the whole family, masterfully delivered by the one-of-a-kind visionary Christopher Nolan in full command of his craft and brought to life by a gifted cast that honors man’s eternal love of dogs.

What the rest of the critics are saying:

Dunkirk!‘s plot is fairly uncomplicated. The thrill is in getting to know the golden retriever and his doddering owner in such sensuous detail.” – Tufayel Ahmed, Newsweek

“Director Christopher Nolan delivers this summer’s most precisely crafted family film in the simultaneously inspiring and devastating Dunkirk!” – George “Ramble” Bortz, Arizona Republic

“It’s a series of riveting tableaux, but the star of the movie is undoubtedly the golden retriever, Dunkirk!” – Rosalthe Sadasga, Entertainment Weekly

“Christopher Nolan’s back, baby, and he’s got a dog movie to show us!” – Eric D. Snider,

“Only Christopher Nolan could make a movie starring a dog so cold and lifeless.” – Legs Lavish, New York Observer

“As a film, Dunkirk! is a powerful work from one of the great directors of our time. As a dog, Dunkirk is simply cute as hell to watch.” – Peter Sobczynski,

“Seldom has a film so eloquently captured the craziness of man’s relationship with his proverbial best friend, nor the terror of dementia, and all at the same time to boot.” – Eustachius Wallingford, The Guardian

Melonmeter® Score:

99% liquid & seed retention – watermelon_icon_pitr-1979px CERTIFIED JUICY™

I, Spiderman

Spider-Man reboots are not as much movies as they are virtual portals into the world of men who have been bitten by radioactive spiders, or otherwise acquired Spidey-like powers and abilities. This has never been more apparent than in James Cameron’s I, Spider-Man. Though Cameron has exclusively referred to the project as a film, I, Spider-Man is really more of an augmented reality experience.

When you enter one of the nearly 4,000 theaters playing I, Spider-Man this weekend, the first thing you will notice is the Lenovo headset placed on your seat. You will be instructed to strap the device onto your face in much the same way Spider-Man himself wears a mask to conceal his secret identity.


The Lenovo headset uses a single pair of cameras for tracking movement as well as a remote control. You will also need a compatible mobile device (e.g. iPhone, Samsung Galaxy, etc.) which you will insert beneath some reflective lenses in order to see the images properly superimposed on the surrounding environment

Once you’re set up, it’s off to webslinging around midtown Manhattan with Spidey senses a-tingling! You will actually experience haptic tingling sensations via the vibrations of your mobile device.

Even better, when you look in the mirror sans Spider-Man mask within the seamlessly integrated, Cameron-approved Spidey reality, you will be able to see your face merged with a Tobey-type actor. And I, Spider-Man is the only Spider-Man reboot in which YOU get to choose the villain from among three different choices: Venom (Zoe Saldana), Kraven the Hunter (Giovanni Ribisi), and Kingpin (Vincent D’Onofrio).

Thankfully, the highly intrusive references to the Marvel Cinematic Universe that have plagued most of the recent Spider-Man reboots are deftly limited in I, Spider-Man to D’Onofrio’s reprisal of his role as Kingpin. Credit the notoriously exacting Cameron for his most tasteful approach to worldbuilding.

And while we’re on the subject of James Cameron, it looks like we finally know what caused the recent delays of the several Avatar sequels promised by that genius explorer of the deep seas. The secretive filmmaker seems to have taken an extended break from the Pandora Cinematic Universe so he can make a brief visit the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Throughout the film-like experience, Cameron is clearly having fun experimenting with Lenovo’s technology. This is most astonishingly apparent when Gwen Stacy speaks actual words scraped from emails, texts and social media of your IRL lovers, exes, and objects of desire. Innovation is no surprise coming from Cameron, but I was taken aback by his dramatic use of the social possibilities of mobile device integration.

Of course, the ‘film’ also fulfills the wizardly auteur’s long-held ambitions to bring Spider-Man to life in a way only he knows how. Now he can turn his full attention back to the Avatar sequels, which may one day outnumber Spider-Man reboots depending on whether the predictions of climate scientists hold true.


James Cameron and Spidey, together at last!

The only complaint I will share is that once I, Spider-Man had ended and the credits had rolled, the Lenovo headset proved terribly difficult to remove from my face. Though I pulled with all my might, I found it impossible to break the machine’s force of suction. An usher had to pry the headset off of me and many other patrons suffering the same problem using an imposing set of forceps provided by Lenovo to deal with such incidents.

I don’t mind telling you the operation to remove the I, Spider-Man experience from my face was extremely painful, and I cried for a very long time just as the sensitive Peter Parker would have if he were in my shoes.

TL;DR – Despite the occasional need to remove it from your face using a pair of forceps, I, Spider-Man succeeds by offering audiences a once in a lifetime chance to experience what it’s like to actually be Spider-Man as conceived by the visionary mind of James Cameron.

What the rest of the critics are saying:

“Get this fucking stupid piece of shit off my goddamned face!!” – Corban Goble, Vanity Fair

“I finally fulfilled my lifelong dream of fighting Vincent D’Onofrio, making this one of the best films of the year.” – Bunlak Hergrobe, Flick Filosopher

“I can’t wait to get my hands on the rumored expansion pack, which will unlock Gwen Stacy and all three villains as playable characters.” – Frank Swietek, One Guy’s Opinion

“Spider-Man endures in all of our eyes because he is surgically locked to them via Lenovo headset.” Belvis Bunjamin-Pennebaker, ScreenAnarchy

“You can definitely file this one under” – Dusty Benry, Dark Horizons

“I had to go to the urgent care clinic to get the Lenovo headset removed and I know I’m not the only one. This film is class action lawsuit waiting to happen.” – Alissa Wilkinson, Vox

“Spider-Man is back, baby and you are Spider-Man, so you are back, baby, and I love you just as much as I love Spider-Man! Wow!” – Eric D. Snider,

“If there’s one Spider-Man reboot to rule them all, it’s definitely James Cameron’s I, Spider-Man, which will go down in history as the only film in history to cause me to need repeated medical treatments to restore sight to my left eye.” – Griffin Riddle, Radio Times

“Zoe Saldana delivers a haunting performance as Venom. When I went back to play against Giovanni Ribisi, I found the movie suffered dearly for it.” – MacEagon Voyce, The Playlist

“After I received the news from my doctors that the Lenovo headset would never come off of my face without causing fatal damage to my nervous system, I made a decision to live out the rest of my life as best I can as Peter Parker and his alter ego Spider-Man. And as Peter Parker works in journalism, it’s only fitting that I sign this review with his byline.” – Peter Parker (formerly known as Dominique Vivant), Vulture

Melonmeter® Score:

99% liquid & seed retention – watermelon_icon_pitr-1979px CERTIFIED JUICY™

Spider-Man: Cataclysm

Spider-Man is a person we all know and love. He appears in every movie we watch, on every T-shirt in we wear, and in the rearview mirror when we’re driving in our car. I had a conversation with Spider-Man over a hot cup of coffee this morning, and he assured to me he will return to us as was outlined in the prophecy. The only question is what form he will take.

In Spider-Man: Cataclysm, we are introduced to an entirely different Spider-Man, a Spider-Man who is far more in tune with the rhythms of the Millenial Age. First introduced in comic books earlier this decade, Miles Morales is the first black Spider-Man, and just the second time a Latino character has taken on the Spider-Man identity.

Miles Morales as Spider-Man is the next generation, is the future, is all of us confused and shambling youth hoping for something better, and driving for Lyft in the meantime. But in Spider-Man: Cataclysm, the role of Miles Morales is played by Elle Fanning wearing a very dark spray-on tan.


Elle Fanning as Miles Morales, aka Spider-Man.

Some critics have commented that Sony/Marvel got their diversity wires crossed and attempted to “kill two birds with one stone” by casting a woman to play the first black Spider-Man. I think this “hot take” obscures more than illuminates, as “hot takes” are often wont to do.

Because who is Spider-Man anyway? What defines him? Can we even use that ugly term “him” to describe a human bitten by a radioactive spider and thus imbued with the ability to sling webs and crawl about the walls and buildings that make up the urban jungle in which we must live?

Spider-Man is a genderless, raceless, ageless icon. We project our fantasies onto his masked face, and onto the very strange and distracting high-pitched and heavily accented voice Elle Fanning uses in Spider-Man: Cataclysm.

Cataclysm opens with Miles and his father Jefferson (Delroy Lindo) mourning the recent deaths of two close family members. Prior to the events of the movie, Miles’ mother Rio and his uncle Aaron died in a hail of gunfire that led to an accidental explosion during a battle between Spider-Man and Venom.

Miles comes to believe the world is about to end, and his prophecies gain him a cult-like following across storefront churches in the Bronx. His father doesn’t know what to think about his son’s behavior, which alternates between bombastic preaching and silent brooding.

Meanwhile, Galactus, a cosmic entity who eats planets to sustain his life force, emerges from a nearby nebula and prepares to consume Earth. All over the world, astronomers and soothsayers point out the giant in the night sky and gape in wonder.

Fearing the final reckoning is at hand, Miles reveals his double life as Spider-Man to his father. As a result, his father becomes convinced Miles is responsible for the death of Aaron and Rio, and disowns him.

When Galactus descends, Spider-Man mounts a last-ditch effort to save the planet, and must enlist the help of the Avengers to help him. Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.), Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson), Captain America (Chris Evans), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) and even Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) must all work together with Spider-Man and his legion of dedicated followers to defeat Galactus once and for all.

Just when they think they have subdued Galactus, the massive planet eater bursts into four great beasts. The first beast is a lion with the wings of an eagle, the second is a bear waving giant bones with its fists, the third is a leopard with four wings and four heads, and the fourth is a massive serpent with ten horns. One of the horns speaks very pompously (voice of Nathan Lane).

Spider-Man, the Avengers, and the cultist Servants of the Spider’s Word eventually trap each of the four beasts. They turn the beasts over to the Guardians of the Galaxy who imprison them in an egg made of the rubble of a thousand starships.

Joseph Kosinski’s direction has a spectacular grandeur, but it’s the human moments between Miles and his father that really make the film worth watching. I laughed, I cried, I prayed for humanity, and so will everyone else who watches this movie. And we praise Elle Fanning for her derring do. She is Spider-Man, just as much as you or I.

TL;DR – Visually striking and thematically rich, Spider-Man: Cataclysm draws its bizarre power from its strong production values and a perplexing performance from Elle Fanning.

What the rest of the critics are saying:

“If I have to watch any more Spider-Man reboots, I’m going to puke.” – Darla Blaugrana, Newsweek

“I feel like Elle Fanning wasn’t the best choice to play Miles Morales, who is half black and half Latino.” – Brive Hoxhauer, LA Weekly

“More than most films, Spider-Man: Cataclysm is full of soaring ambition. Just try not to think too hard about any of it.” – Thurman O’Herlihy, Seattle Times

“The most interesting scenes feature Miles Morales preaching a prophecy of doom to poor, underprivileged communities of color.” – Uriah Ward, Christian Science Monitor

“Elle Fanning is back, baby! And she’s better than ever!” – Eric D. Snider,

“Elle Fanning, infected with a sickly gleam, plays the leader of new religion, and her penchant for manic sermons is so dynamic will that she keeps the film afloat all on her own.” – Ignatiy Vishnevetsky, AV Club

“It would have behooved Marvel to cast a person of color to play Miles Morales.” – B. Conner Yonk, Toronto Sun

“Let’s hope that I, Spiderman recaptures the magic that made many of the other Spider-Man reboots so joyous to watch.” – Alissa Wilkinson, Vox

“Is this supposed to be funny?” – Tsinoglou Luther, Detroit News

“What are you even doing?” – Gower Halstatt, ReelViews

Melonmeter® Score:

90% liquid & seed retention – watermelon_icon_pitr-1979px CERTIFIED JUICY™

Spider-Man at the Wedding

I have lost track of how many Spider-Man reboot experiences I have absorbed in the past few days. I know Spider-Man can be a baby, I know he has been and will again be an old man. I knew him as an awkward tween and I will know him once and again as a close personal friend of Tony Stark. I met a Spider-Man from an antique land who said—“Two vast and trunkless legs of stone stand in the desert…” And so on and so forth on and on into infinity.

Following the thundering whizzbang operatics of Spider-Man 2099, it is refreshing to be witness to the much subtler pleasures of Spider-Man at the Wedding. Noah Baumbach’s adaptation of the late 1980s Spider-Man comic book storyline in which Peter Parker finally marries Mary Jane Watson is an understated, caustic comedy of manners.

Like his sometime creative partner Wes Anderson, Baumbach has chosen to use Marvel’s boatloads of Spider-Man reboot cash to rework one of his older movies. Actually, the story I’ve heard is that Baumbach actually delivered five different scripts to Marvel:

  1. Webslinging and Screaming – Spider-Man and his friends are stuck in a post-collegiate malaise.
  2. The Spider and the Lizard – A bildungsroman with a warring Aunt May and Uncle Ben on the verge of divorse as backdrop.
  3. Parker – A script which imagines Peter Parker in middle age, regretting that he never got bit by that radioactive spider.
  4. While We’re Mutants – Spider-Man and Mary Jane are taken in by the charms of a younger, hipper Cyclops and Jean Grey.
  5. Spider-Man at the Wedding – This is the one that got the greenlight.

Marvel rejected the others for various reasons, though it seems elements of each have been incorporated into Spider-Man at the Wedding in the form of flashbacks and digressions that give the film a loose, paunchy feel at times.

But the main storyline is simple enough: the grouchy Dr. Otto Octavius (Ben Stiller) is invited to the wedding of Peter Parker (Jesse Eisenberg) and Mary Jane Watson (Greta Gerwig). He sullenly vacillates about whether to attend since he doesn’t approve of the match and wants to kill them both.

Otto shows up at the ceremony but he looks visibly uncomfortable as Peter and Mary Jane take their vows. To make matters worse, most of the Avengers are there: Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.), Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson), Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner), Captain America (Chris Evans) and Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) is actually officiating the marriage.

At the reception, Peter and Otto butt heads over past disagreements. In the reception hall they exchange verbal barbs, but outside the hall they get in a series of violent skirmishes as Spider-Man and Doctor Octopus.


After this sequence, the movie sort of peters out in the series of flashbacks and digressions I mentioned earlier. There are brief scenes from Peter’s life as a younger man, and a subplot involving Mary Jane Watson and her old flame Harry Osborn (Adam Driver).

The first two acts of the movie are solid filmmaking. They’re funny and poignant and more human than any other Spider-Man reboot I’ve ever seen. But the end didn’t really work for me. Luckily, there’s always more Spider-Man reboots where that came from.

TL;DR – Despite a great cast, the characters in Spider-Man at the Wedding are too unlikable to enthrall viewers.

What the rest of the critics are saying:

Spider-Man at the Wedding is minor Baumbach.” – B. Conner Yonk, Toronto Sun

“I don’t understand why there are so many Spider-Man reboots and not a single film about the Martian Manhunter.” – Ramon Llull, The Atlantic

“Far more dyspeptic and talky than any other comic book movie I’ve seen.” – Hixson Grabill, Chicago Tribune

“This one wasn’t for me, but I’m very excited for Spider-Man: Cataclysm which I’m seeing tomorrow!” – Eric D. Snider,

“For some reason I always imagined Spider-Man having many wives, like the Gypsy King. A wife for every degree.” – Gulluzar Baboudjian, Boston Herald

Melonmeter® Score:

79% liquid & seed retention – watermelon_icon_pitr-1979px CERTIFIED JUICY™

Spider-Man 2099

After sitting through the atrocious Baby Spider-Man, I thought for sure I was stricken with a case of Spidey fatigue. I felt gloomy yet resigned about the remaining Spider-Man reboots I had left to see and review. But when I heard the next Spider-Man reboot on the docket was “more of a sci-fi thing,” it gave me hope that perhaps I might overcome my fatigue for the love of Spidey.

Set near the end of the present century, Spider-Man 2099 is set in a dystopian hellscape in which the need for Spider-Man’s heroics is greater than ever. Unfortunately, Peter Parker (a digitally aged Tobey Maguire) is too old to continue webslinging.


Having developed a mutant spider to transfer his powers into a younger body, Parker hosts a giant contest to find the next Spider-Man. The contest is livestreamed worldwide by Snapchat in the first of many heavy-handed product placements.

Much to Parker’s chagrin, after several grueling rounds, all contestants are eliminated except for Michael Osborn (Dave Franco), the nephew of his old friend Harry Osborn.

Peter Parker anoints Michael as the new Spider-Man just as the Alchemex Corporation (sponsor of the just concluded contest) faces a major crisis. Alchemex CEO Tyler Stone (Timothy Busfield) is kidnapped by a mysterious entity clad in Gladiatorial armor known as Thanatos (voiced by Patricia Wettig). As his first mission, the new Spider-Man sets out to rescue Tyler Stone.

Spider-Man tracks Thanatos to the site of a virtual unreality portal currently under construction by Stark Industries. He encounters the Net Prophet (Liam Hemsworth), a relative of Thor (Chris Hemsworth) who appears in a brief cameo.

Suddenly some security guards appear armed with futuristic bazookas. The guards use their futuristic bazooks blast Spider-Man and the Net Prophet into the virtual unreality portal, which comes online earlier than anyone thought possible.

Meanwhile, Peter Parker discovers some files that lead him to believe that all is not what it seems with the Alchemex Corporation. As he investigates further, he discovers that Alchemex and Thanatos are in league together, and Tyler Stone conspired to have himself kidnapped in order to lead Spider-Man and the Net Prophet into the trap. At this point, it becomes clear that the security guards with futuristic bazookas work for Alchemex.

Inside virtual unreality, Spider-Man and the Net Prophet face off against incorporeal visions that constantly attack them. They learn these are merely manifestations of Thanatos’ discorporative powers.

While that’s happening, Peter Parker finds Alchemex Corporation’s higher ups have hired a privatized police force known as Public Eye to use time travel in attempt to achieve total information awareness.

Spider-Man and the Net Prophet break into Inner Space (Thanatos’ secret sanctum within virtual unreality) to rescue Tyler Stone and also Michael Osborn’s girlfriend Xina Kwan (Fan Bingbing) who got caught up in all the commotion. No spoiler alerts are necessary; I won’t reveal how it all ends.

Honestly, I found the plot of Spider-Man 2099 confusing, the characterizations thin, and the direction muddled and uninspiring. However, it was much better than Baby Spider-Man, and I’m a sucker for dystopian sci-fi, so I guess I’ll recommend it to everyone I know.

TL;DRSpider-Man 2099 brings the Spider-Man into the dystopian future, with dazzling special effects and a grand, operatic sense of scale.

What the rest of the critics are saying:

“Hey, at least it was better than Baby Spider-Man.” – Clobbish Sanderson, Wall Street Journal

“Spider-Man is back baby, and he’s older than ever! And also there’s a new Spider-Man who is actually young like usual. And it’s played by Dave Franco. James Franco’s brother.” – Eric D. Snider,

“Clocking in at two hours and forty-seven minutes, it’s the longest of all the Spider-Man reboots I’ve seen today. Wait, what was the question again?” – Bunlak Hergrobe, Flick Filosopher

“I’m excited to see the next Spider-Man reboot, which I believe is called Spider-Man Getting Married. It sounds like it will be a nice change of pace.” – Darla Blaugrana, Newsweek

“Dave Franco is such a whiner in this movie. I mean Jeeeezus.” – Griffin Riddle, Radio Times

“A triumph of science fiction storytelling: a sweeping tale of mythological scope told with astonishing FX wizardry.” – Richard Brody, The New Yorker

“Lots of karate moves, cool armor, alternate realities and big explosions!” – Pete Hammond, Deadline

“I miss the old Spider-Man reboots. You know, Spider-Man: Homecoming and Spider-Man: Middle School Dance, those were just simple stories about what it’s like to grow up. That’s what Spider-Man is all about. Not all this virtual unreality Snapchat-sponsored killathon crap.”  – Dominique Vivant, Vulture

“Alex Proyas delivers a dutiful sci-fi adaptation of the old Spidey yarn.” – Zook Trujillo, LRM

“I can tell you one thing. I will not be watching any more Spider-Man reboots for the next two days. I just really need a break. I hope you understand.” – Sonso Sunez, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Melonmeter® Score:

60% liquid & seed retention –  icon_fruit1-14-512 SUFFICIENTLY JUICY, YET BLAND, A HONEYDEW

Baby Spider-Man

My run of good luck with Spider-Man reboots ended earlier today. I watched Baby Spider-Man, and I must warn you that it doesn’t hold a candle to Spider-Man: Homecoming or Spider-Man: Middle School Dance. It just proves the old saying, not all Spider-Man reboots will be of equal quality.

It’s not that Baby Spider-Man doesn’t have its moments. The prologue, set in the womb of Peter Parker’s mother, is a wordless symphony of astonishing visuals accompanied by an evocative Philip Glass-penned score. A spider mutated by amniotic fluid bites the fetal Peter Parker, transforming him forever into Baby Spider-Man.

Unfortunately, when the action jumps forward a year to Baby Spider-Man webslinging around his crib, the movie turns horrible very quickly. The spider bite gave Parker not just the usual spider powers, but also the premature ability to speak and think like an adult. Seth MacFarlane provides Baby Spider-Man’s voice, and as you can probably imagine this makes for an absolutely torturous experience for everyone in the audience.

baby spiderman

By the time Baby Spider-Man has his first big confrontation with Baby Carnage, I had already dozed off a couple of times. It’s difficult to understand what audience Baby Spider-Man is intended for. It’s full of puerile, childish humor that’s too raunchy for a family audience. And it includes almost nothing from the decades of Spider-Man lore, making it anathema for comic book nerds.

I’m sure when Sony and Marvel set out to make a fresh batch of Spider-Man reboots, they knew full well that not all of them would come out right. But I’m sure they didn’t mean to produce this unappealing mush, and I bet they hope it disappears from audience memory as quickly as possible.

TL;DR – Not all Spider-Man reboots can be winners, and Baby Spider-Man pretty much falls apart as you’re watching it.

What the rest of the critics are saying:

“What the hell is this?” – Buzanne Witherford Weathers,

“Stop. Just stop.” – Sonso Sunez, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

“Audiences be warned: this film has nothing to do with Alec Baldwin’s Boss Baby / Baby Driver series. Steer clear of this mess.” Eric D. Snider,

“Utterly embarrassing and shameful.” – Romy Micthell Lucker,

“Seth MacFarlane should have his tongue cut off for subjecting us to his ‘take’ on Spider-Man.” – Legs Lavish, New York Observer

“At 81 minutes with credits, Baby Spider-Man feels crude, lazy and entirely perfunctory.” – Tom Huddleston, Time Out

“Quite possibly the dumbest movie I’ve ever seen.” – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

“At its best, the lengthy prologue feels reminiscent of a film by Terrence Malick or Godfrey Reggio. As for the rest of the film: the less said, the better.” – Granison Maltman, Paste Magazine

Baby Spider-Man seems almost calculated meticulously to suck the life out of its audience as much as humanly possible.” – Felix Vasquez Jr., Cinema Crazed

“Truly a hideous waste of time.” – ZahRa NiSa,

“What a loathsome, irredeemable, turd of a film Baby Spider-Man is.” – Clobbish Sanderson, Wall Street Journal

“Here’s hoping Spider-Man 2099 and the rest of the reboots to come are a lot better than this trash.” – Emerentia Krogmann, IGN Movies

Melonmeter® Score:



Spider-Man: Middle School Dance

The second Spider-Man reboot out this week takes a very unconventional approach in adapting the beloved comic book character to the screen. And that’s a good thing. Where the movie falls short is all the awkward references to rest of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, shoehorned in for the dumb kiddies and Marvel fanbros who care about that kind of stuff.

Spider-Man: Middle School Dance features the youngest Peter Parker we have yet seen on the silver screen. Though Parker’s only 11 years old, I must emphasize that this is not yet another Spider-Man origin story. When the movie begins, he already has his Spidey powers. No time is wasted explaining how he got them.

As indicated by the title, the movie is about Peter Parker (Jared Gilman) attending his first Middle School Dance. The entire film unfolds in real time using one long take documenting the entire dance event. We see Peter arrive, feeling nervous because he has no date. He couldn’t get up the courage to ask Gwen Stacy OR Mary Jane Watson, and he spends much of the first act skulking in the corner with the other nerds without the moves to make it on the dance floor.

That skulking continues until Peter learns that his tween rival Quentin Blake (Finn Wolfhard) has some nasty tricks up his sleeve. Blake is a drama nerd, making him the natural enemy of Peter, a science geek. And it turns out, Blake is actually the super villain Mysterio. And he intends to shut down the dance and kill everyone in attendance.

spiderman wes anderson

Spider-Man (Jared Gilman) confronts one of Mysterio’s henchmen.

Veteran filmmaker Wes Anderson makes excellent use of the intimacy of the middle school gymnasium setting. Though Mysterio has no super powers, he is an expert designer of special effects devices and stage illusions, and Anderson gives his machinations a theatricality that really imbues the whole movie with a playful yet enigmatic spirit.

One aspect of the movie that didn’t work at all was the series of phone calls Spider-man receives from the rest of the Avengers. These moments are sprinkled throughout the movie, interrupting the action for Spider-Man to hear from Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.), Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson), Captain America (Chris Evans), Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) and even Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner).  Each time, they basically ask Spider-Man all the same stuff: if he’s ready to be picked up yet, if he’s having a good time, does he need anything, etc.

The “Avenger phone call” moments are so hamfisted, awkward, and cringeworthy that they almost ruined the entire movie for me. Wes Anderson was reportedly so incensed about having to include these franchise building bits in his vision that he left the set while they were being filmed. Good for him.

TL;DR – Warm, whimsical, and poignant, the immaculately framed and beautifully designed Spider-Man: Middle School Dance takes an idiosyncratic approach to the beloved character under the stylish guidance of writer/director Wes Anderson.

What the rest of the critics are saying:

“So far it’s the best Spider-Man reboot I’ve seen this week.” – Siyaka Camacho, New York Daily News

“Better than Baby Spider-Man but not quite as joyful and fun as Spider-Man: Homecoming.” – Darla Blaugrana, Newsweek

“The phone calls featuring the other Avengers really stuck out like so many sore thumbs.” – Book Denison, Associated Press

“The best sequences recall Wes Anderson’s early masterpiece, Rushmore.” – Nathaneal However, Guernica Magazine

“The younger the webslinger gets, the more I’m attracted to him. Maybe that’s just me. Sorry.” – Rex Reed, Lenny Letter

“I’m confused about what order I’m supposed to watch all these new Spider-Man movies.” – Pete Hammond, Deadline

“It’s too bad Jason Schwartzman aged out of playing Mysterio. He would’ve been bloody perfect. :(” – Francis Kennard Colbeck, BBC

“Wes Anderson uses the massive dumptruck of Marvel money will give anyone who is willing to make yet another reboot of Spider-Man to essentially rework Rushmore on a grander scale using the immaculate style he perfected recently with Grand Budapest Hotel and Moonrise Kingdom.” – Kitila Mkumbo, The Verge

“Spider-Man is back again baby, and he keeps getting better every single time he reboots!!” – Eric D. Snider,

Melonmeter® Score:

96% liquid & seed retention – watermelon_icon_pitr-1979px CERTIFIED JUICY™

Spider-Man: Homecoming

Spider-Man is back, baby! It’s been almost three years since the last Spider-Man movie (2014’s The Amazing Spider-Man 2) and so it’s way past time for a brand new Spider-Man reboot. Determined to not disappoint a legion of thirsty fans, Sony and Marvel have teamed up to release a half dozen different Spider-Man reboots over the next week. Now it’s time for us to decide which one’s the future of Spider-Man!

First up is Spider-Man: Homecoming, which imagines Peter Parker as a young teen again the way it was meant to be. He has to deal with things like who to take to the Homecoming Dance (hint: Mary Jane’s back!!) and how to deal with Iron Man constantly checking in on him to see if he’s ready to join the Avengers full-time.


Honestly, I loved Spider-Man: Homecoming, which is really saying something because I usually hate the dumb kiddie Marvel movies. Much of Spider-Man: Homecoming is actually set in high school which makes it way more relatable than most superhero movies these days. Everyone remembers the laughs and tears of being a teenager, and Spider-Man is no different.

Of course, there’s action galore as well. But unlike previous Spider-Man movies, this Spider-Man is so young that he spends most of the movie screwing up. He’s just learning, he needs his training wheels. That felt realistic to me, and the age old teenage cliches about slinging your webs everywhere ring true.

The integration of Spider-Man: Homecoming into the larger Marvel Cinematic Universe is seamless. The events of Captain America: Civil War are efficiently recapped via Peter Parker’s hyperventilating Instagram story. Peter and his classmates also have to watch a series of educational videos sprinkled throughout the movie starring Captain America. High schoolers sure do live in phones and videos these days!

Happy Hogan, Iron Man’s aide-de-camp, is a constant presence in the background. The fact that Spider-Man is being watched over by an extremely powerful billionaire does not drain the movie of any suspense at all.

Although Spider-Man: Homecoming is zippy, dippy, and goofy, not to mention fun as all hell, it’s hard to say whether this is the best of the new round of Spider-Man reboots because I haven’t seen any of the others yet. Check back tomorrow for my review of Spider-Man: Middle School Dance.

TL;DR – Spider-Man: Homecoming does whatever a second reboot can, delivering a colorful, fun adventure that fits snugly in the sprawling Marvel Cinematic Universe without getting bogged down too often in franchise-building.

What the rest of the critics are saying:

“This is the first Spider-Man reboot I’ve seen this week, so I’ll reserve judgment until I’ve seen them all.” – Dominique Vivant, Vulture

“I can’t wait to see the rest of the Spider-Man reboots if they’re as good as this one.” – Eric D. Snider,

“I didn’t love Spider-Man: Homecoming, but thankfully there are several more Spider-Man reboots coming out this week so I’m sure one of them will be more to my taste.” – Francis Kennard Colbeck, BBC

“We’ve already seen teen Spider-Man, so I’m not sure why we needed Spider-Man: Homecoming. I’m glad the other reboots will be exploring Spider-Man when he’s of different ages.” – Fabio Chigi, Film School Rejects

“If the eight rumored Spider-Man reboots are going to be as fizzy and funny and warmhearted as this, keep ’em coming.” – Chris Klimek, NPR

“The movie’s not flawless, but it is fun, a big improvement on the non-wowing The Amazing Spider-Man and its sequel of recent years. Here’s hoping the other reboots are even better.” – Peter Howell, Toronto Star

“Tom Holland seems to have been born to play the role, infusing the entire film with cheeky teenage energy. And it’s also one of the funniest, most complex blockbusters of the year. I can’t imagine the other Spider-Man reboots coming out in the next few days could possibly be better than this one.” – Rich Cline,

Melonmeter® Score:

94% liquid & seed retention – watermelon_icon_pitr-1979px CERTIFIED JUICY™

Despicable Me 3

Corporate cost cutting is a fact of life in the 21st century, and Hollywood is not at all immune to the fiduciary pressures of the business industry. Sometimes, budget constraints can lead to more creative outcomes such as when George Lucas ran out of money to complete Star Wars (1977) and was forced to create all of the classic spaceship dogfights using only popsicle sticks and remaindered house paint. Unfortunately, that’s not the case with Despicable Me 3.

In an effort to streamline the increasingly bloated Minions multiverse, Universal Pictures chose to outsource all the voice roles in the movie to Bruce Willis. Never the most versatile or energetic of actors to begin with, Willis is stretched to his limit attempting to create unique characterizations for a variety of different genders and species.


Felonious Gru (Bruce Willis) and his long lost brother Dru (Bruce Willis) in Despicable Me 3.

One can almost understand the logic of the casting. Once you cast Bruce Willis to provide the voice of the lead character Felonious Gru and his long lost brother Dru (a key supporting character in this sequel), why not just go ahead and have Bruce Willis perform all the other parts as well? This strategy may have worked with a once-in-a-generation character-based comedian like an Eddie Murphy or a Mike Myers, but I’m afraid Bruce Willis just wasn’t up to the task.

To add insult to injury, many of the movie’s scenes are just still backgrounds with barely animated figures exhibiting only the slightest movements. The animators did take care to make sure the lips of each character matched up with Bruce Willis’ voice, but this is a pretty low bar to set for big screen entertainment.

The movie’s most memorable moment actually occurs during the extended post-credits behind the scenes documentary. Bruce Willis, looking sweaty and exhausted after a day in the recording booth, collapses on a couch. While being attended by a coterie of assistant bearing wet hand towels and bottles of Vitamin Water, he suddenly screams: “I never want to do this again!” As the assistants murmur soothing words of sympathy, Despicable Me 3 reaches the closest it ever gets to any kind of genuine humanity.

TL;DRDespicable Me 3 is a lazy sequel featuring a bevy of embarrassing performances from one of America’s laziest stars.

What the rest of the critics are saying:

“In the autumn of his career, Bruce Willis has begun to reach for the loftier summits of vocal performance in children’s entertainment.” – Trim Richulds, Entertainment Weekly

Despicable Me 3 is a static, deadening calamity that made me want to saw off both my arms and legs.” – Crack Altman, Vox

“The high pitched tones of the female characters were clearly outside of Bruce Willis’ limited vocal range.” – Nur Faizah, PopMatters

“Bruce Willis is back, baby! And he’s voicing multiple characters.” – Eric D. Snider,

“The Minions are much less fun to watch now that they all speak in a gruff grumble that is as lethargic as it is incomprehensible.” – F. Debnie Amberson, NPR

Melonmeter® Score: