Baywatch (2017)

The decision to produce an all-male remake of Baywatch was a daring one, and I salute for Paramount Pictures for snubbing the PC police and going with their gut on this one. The remake of the iconic 90s TV series is a thrilling, gut-busting, and downright sexy action-adventure-comedy-bromance. I can’t recommend it highly enough.

Barley Fantomum (The Rock) and Eric Leonard Holch (Zac Efron) lead a team of elite lifeguards known as Baywatch. They protect the beaches and the bay and they have fun doing it, and fuck you if you have a problem with that.


These are men who know how to fuck a butt

The movie opens with a thrilling boat chase sequence in which Barley and Holch save a young sailor from the clutches of an evil businessman. After saving the young sailor and blowing up the businessman’s boat, Barley and Holch celebrate with a buttfuck. The young sailor asks if he can join in, and Barley says “Why sure you can, don’t be shy now!”

Of course, this is just the first of many buttfucking scenes in the movie. In fact, Baywatch (2017) is best described as wall to wall buttfucking interrupted only by a few boat chases, a scuba diving sequence, and an almost infinite variety of explosions.

The main storyline of the movie involves the Baywatch lifeguards tracking down a lunatic arsonist (played with agreeable campiness by Alan Cumming). But you don’t go to Baywatch for the story, you go for the beach, the babes, and the buttfucking and Baywatch (2017) delivers on all three.

The post-credits scene did throw me off a bit (SPOILER ALERT) as it resolves one subplot by revealing Eric Leonard Holch was secretly a rapist and serial killer the whole time. The Rock – I mean Barley Fantomum has to tearfully kill his partner in lifeguarding but not before one last buttfuck for old time’s sake.

TL;DRBaywatch (2017) brings the latent homoeroticism of the original series to the surface with an all-male cast sodomizing each other repeatedly with effervescent gusto.

What the rest of the critics are saying:

“The Rock is back, baby, and he’s better than ever!” – Eric D. Snider,

“I have always dreamed of seeing The Rock fuck Zac Efron in his cute little ass and Baywatch (2017) finally gave me what I deserved.” – Gopé Guest, San Francisco Examiner

“These men are having fun just being together and getting to don matching swimsuits and whale on each other’s cocks, and their evident joy makes us happy to hop in the boat for a ride-along.” – Hasman Amron, Newsday

“It’s a lot of fun, and allows each of the men to showcase their dongs whilst going up against the waves.” Buzanne Witherford Weathers,

“The movie courageously parades full frontal male nudity throughout what felt like a majority of its run time.” – Legs Lavish, New York Observer

“Angry nerds, take note: The mens are the best thing about this franchise reboot. Zac Efron spontaneously erupts in the mouths of all kinds of the people.” – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

“As enjoyable as this movie is, sometimes it feels like it’s holding back…where was the buttfucking train we were promised?” – Dian Maulana Rizki II, Austin Chronicle

Melonmeter® Score:

80% liquid & seed retention – watermelon_icon_pitr-1979px CERTIFIED JUICY

One thought on “Baywatch (2017)

  1. Pingback: Mrs. Doubtfire (2017) | Fake Movie Reviews

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