Alien: Covenant

Dare we let any of the 99 names of Alien cross our lips?

Shall we risk vanquishment to scream the praises of the one true Xenomorph, the Queen, the Chestburster?

We must raise our arms in praise of Alien, the lightbringer, who leads us through the darkness in a conquest of our fears and forgives us mercifully for our transgressions. We have formed a covenant with her holiness, the Queen, and we so we did PRAY, SCREAM, RUN, and HIDE in our devotion to her.


I have seen in the face of the Xenomorph a circle whose center is everywhere and circumference is nowhere, a whirling demon who moves north, south, east and west at once, Alien who is reflected in all beings and things of this universe. I stumble about in search of words to describe Alien, which my feeble mind can barely contemplate.

Praise be to the Chestburster!

All hail the Queen!

Wherefore remember, the Engineers, so giant and pasty-pale and found at the heart of Prometheus‘ mysteries, did spawn human life on Earth and they, according to the eternal purpose, left clues scattered across time and space.

And so did Elizabeth Shaw (Noomi Rapace), David (Michael Fassbender), and the Weyland crew make haste to the planet LV-223 where they bore witness to great weapons of terrible weapons, and so did the Queen’s wrath strike down mightily, killing pretty much everybody, except for Shaw.

Unto whom it was revealed, that not unto herself, but unto us was born from her loins a tentacled Alien hybrid. The Trilobite, being born of a most corruptive seed, face-hugged an Engineer from whence came the Deacon who did sliceth his way out of the Engineer’s chest by the word of the Queen, which liveth and abideth for ever and now awaits the blessed gaze of Billy Crudup.

But the films of Alien shall endureth for ever. And these are the films which by the gospel is preached unto you, upholding a long-lived and well-regarded brand forevermore.

TL;DR – Alien: Covenant delivers another chapter of sacred verses which we chant with loving terror into deep space.

What the rest of the critics are saying:

“Fans are going to freak out.” – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

“Ridley Scott knocks it out the park again!” – Eric D. Snider,

“Covenant does succeed in continuing Prometheus’ ambition to deepen the Alien mythology with a meaning-of-life bent.” – Pie Corbett, USA Today

“Bridging the gap between Prometheus and the original Alien movie, Covenant marries its prequel’s ontological questions with visceral gore and gripping tension.” – Granderson Winfield, AV Club

Alien: Covenant is the best we can hope for.” – Biffanie Quane, Slant Magazine

Covenant advances the mythology established by Prometheus.” – Mark Keizer, Alt Film Guide

Melonmeter® Score:

94% liquid & seed retention – watermelon_icon_pitr-1979px CERTIFIED JUICY

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