All the Pizza Men

The Pizzagate controversy that emerged during the 2016 United States presidential election is given the high-powered Hollywood treatment by director Clint Eastwood in All the Pizza Men. This rousing political drama stars Mark Wahlberg as alt-right firebrand Mike Cernovich, whose intrepid investigation into the leaked emails of Hillary Clinton campaign chairman John Podesta leads to the discovery of a secret child sex trafficking ring involving some of the most prominent politicos in Washington D.C.


Before seeing All the Pizza Men, I had never even heard of Pizzagate. As a full-time movie buff, I don’t have any leftover energy to follow the news every day. And frankly, I think both political parties are equally crazy, so I just stay out of it for the sake of my own sanity. But regardless of whether you’re a Democrat, Republican or Independent, I think all patriotic Americans can agree it’s wrong to run a pedophile ring out of the basement of a Washington, DC pizzeria. I salute Clint Eastwood for bringing this vitally important story to the big screen, as it really hasn’t received as much media attention as it deserves.

But enough about the politics. What about the movie itself? What exactly makes it so compelling and rich? Well, for starters, the cast is stellar, with Mark Wahlberg delivering an awards-worthy performance as Mike Cernovich, who doggedly pursues the truth at any cost even if it means provoking the mentally retarded Edgar Maddison Welch (Emile Hirsch) to violently investigate the Comet Ping Pong pizzeria with a loaded AR-15 rifle. Gina Gershon shines as Brittany Pettibone, the love interest of Cernovich and spunky alt right activist in her own right.

Of course, a movie like this wouldn’t work without a great villain and I’m happy to report James Rebhorn knocks it out of the park as the oleaginous political operative John Podesta, whose lust for innocent children knows no bounds. As Podesta, Rebhorn develops an elaborate system of pizza-related code words. For example, cheese pizza is a code word for child pornography because both phrases share the same initials. Eastwood wisely takes a cue from The Big Short and utilizes celebrities such as Scott Baio, Jon Voight, and Rob Schneider to explain this complex terminology in a series of brief cameo appearances.

I’m consistently astounded that at the age of 86 years old, Clint Eastwood continues to experiment and take risks as a filmmaker. To solve the problem of how to depict the faceless avatars of 4chan (which play a key role in bringing to Cernovich’s attention the frequent unsettling references to pizza in Podesta’s emails), Eastwood devised the ingenious idea to integrate cute animated characters in an otherwise live action film. These 4chan cartoon characters reminded me of the Minions from Despicable Me, though they have a far more anarchic, adult sense of humor.

The chuckles provided by the irreverent behavior of these 3D cartoon characters are sorely necessary to balance out a movie that primarily deals with the darkest subject matter imaginable: Hillary Clinton’s direct involvement in the sexual abuse of countless children. But don’t worry, the movie has a happy ending: Mark Wahlberg prevents Hillary Clinton from becoming president by sheer force of his indomitable will.

TL;DR – Powered by Clint Eastwood’s sure-handed direction and a gripping central performance from Mark Wahlberg, All the Pizza Men delivers a stirring and vivid dramatization of its real-life story.

What the rest of the critics are saying:

“This movie takes out the trash which is exactly what the doctor ordered to help us heal and make America great again.” – Heywood Jay, National Enquirer

“Another home run for Clint Eastwood!” – Eric D. Snider,

All the President’s Men. Sully. Lone Survivor. American Sniper. Deepwater Horizon. Patriot’s Day. All the Pizza Men. Who says you can’t make a movie about ordinary people confronting problems of national importance with extraordinary courage? We can make these movies. And we make them all the time. Good for us.” – Don Vertex,

“Is Trump likely to cancel the constitution, declare martial law, declare himself emperor to be succeeded by his children, nationalize the banks and media, call the National Guard to roll tanks into Harvard Yard, place all communists and other anti-American elements under house arrest, retire all government employees, replace the entire government with the Trump Organization, and begin actually rebuilding America and western civilization? No, but at least he’s not filthy pedophile, and this movie proves it!” – Adam Yoshida, Unqualified Reservations

“I’m concerned about the factual accuracy of much of the content in All the Pizza Men.” – Stephen Coyle, New York Times

“Nothing more or less than a living nightmare.” – Jesus H. Marrero, Deadspin

“An affront to Portuguese culture, as well as many other cultures around the world.” – Matthew Arguello, The Atlantic

Melonmeter® Score:

99% liquid & seed retention – watermelon_icon_pitr-1979px CERTIFIED JUICY

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