The Boss Baby

I apologize for the delay in publishing this review. The Boss Baby is a movie with the power to change the world and it deserved my attention on the day of its release. Unfortunately, after watching the movie at a press screening  late last week, I was accosted by two men who claimed to work for the government. At the screening, I had noticed one of them looking over my shoulder to spy on my notes. I assumed he was trying to steal some of my observations for his own review. I was sorely mistaken.

For the last five days, I’ve been in NSA custody under interrogation about my impressions of The Boss Baby, a movie that will surely define our generation and many to come. Of particular interest to the NSA were my ideas regarding The Boss Baby’s geopolitical implications.

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The Boss Baby is clearly an allegory for a certain world leader I am not at liberty to name here.

Everyone knows it’s no accident that mere weeks into the new presidential administration, a broadly appealing children’s movie was released about a baby who lives a double life as the CEO of Fortune 500 corporation when his parents think he’s sleeping (or “napping” to use the movie’s clever lingo) starring prominent Trump impressionist Alec Baldwin. The only question is whether The Boss Baby was created by Russian intelligence under the personal supervision of Vladimir Putin or if it was actually made to serve the goals of anti-Putin subversives with links to Ukrainian nationalists.

On advice of counsel, I will not offer my opinion on the goals of The Boss Baby as agitprop. However, I can safely share my views on the scene in which the titular baby struggles to escape the clutches of his parents who want to change his poopy diaper even though he’s late for a meeting with his CFO whom he needs to warn not to invest in a questionable biotech firm. The scene was funny, cute, and thought-provoking in equal measure. (I’m sure I’m not the only one to think the legal troubles of the unnamed biotech firm were a subtle nod to the recent collapse of Theranos.)

Today, I am thankful to be free from government custody and I am even more thankful for the existence of a movie as in touch with the cultural zeitgeist of the current moment as The Boss Baby. No doubt The Boss Baby will follow in the footsteps as such timeless cinematic touchstones as Star Wars and James Bond. I’m sure you’re as excited as I that The Boss Baby is the only the first in a trilogy, with many more trilogies to follow until there are so many Boss Baby movies that we lose count, and attend the opening of each with the solemn devotion of a religious pilgrimage.

TL;DR The Boss Baby signals the dawn of a new era in human history but to say more would violate non-disclosure agreements I have signed with the government as well as several non-state actors.

What the rest of the critics are saying:

“I love when filmmakers are brave enough to constantly refer back to the most memorable lines from another movie starring the same actor.” – Hudson Hongo, Variety

“Alec Baldwin is the most daring performer we have in these frightening times.” – Richard Roeper, Chicago Sun-Times

[REDACTED FOR REASONS OF NATIONAL SECURITY] – Mameh Immanuel Sisma, The Guardian

“All the thinly veiled jokes at the expense of Wikileaks made me chuckle up a storm.” – A.O Scott, New York Times

“Strongly reminiscent of Syriana, but with a whole lot more potty humor.”  – Dominique Vivant, Vulture

[REVIEW WITHDRAWN AT THE REQUEST OF THE CIA] – James Berardelli, ReelViews

“Who ever thought a baby could use such vulgar language during intercourse with the opposite sex? I laughed pretty hard at this one.” – Eric D. Snider, EricDSnider.com

Melonmeter® Score:

99% liquid & seed retention – watermelon_icon_pitr-1979px CERTIFIED JUICY™ (IT DON’T GET MUCH JUICIER)

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